Dear Dad and Mom,
I felt sad when mommy has to leave the country to work and only the two of us will be left here together. Our first year as Daddy and daughter tandem was full of fun! You leave the house for work and I bring you to the gate waving to see you later - hug you and kiss you, you cook for the two of us while I play with my playmates in the afternoon, then at night we will make a record voice for mom and or a letter and you will make jokes like the well-known comedian in the country. However, it took you only months to be like that to me. Not until you started going home in the morning. I know that you carry me (while asleep) home from grandma's bed. My daily routine became me and me only. I go to school, go home, play with my playmates, and if I am called in the afternoon by grandma, she will get upset because I have the dirtiest feet ever from playing all afternoon and I smell terrible from sweat and dirt. I sleep with grandma all the time, I eat with my cousins and their families. When I look around while I put every tablespoon of rice into my mouth, I can see their happy faces while they joke with each other as a family. When mom came home after years of working, I do not know how to approach her. She looks like a total stranger to me. And even she's already back, your attitude of going home in the morning did NOT change and made it worse this time, you only go home and stay with us for 3 days only a monday-wednesday-friday schedule. Why?
And then when you go home, you will splurge me with new clothes and toys. Is that a good thing? Will that fill the time that you missed? I dont think so because I am not like that. Not until, I see mom crouching in the corner of the living room crying and only my hug can make her fine and we both sleep crouched on the floor of the room. Did you ever know that we always follow you in a cab with covered faces sometimes with mom's friends or even an aunt? I saw you with this woman in a red hair like us, you are driving for her and you kiss her like mom. After 9 months my little sister came to this world we are all happy to meet her. You were so happy but your routine still did not change. I became a responsible older sister to fulfill the missing time you miss for us. I became a co-parent that you seem not to see it. When mom had enough of your lies and your attitude, we left the house and lived with a relative. We were fine there. However, mom said that I have to help with the household chores and all because it is not our house. I did it even if it was difficult physically and psychologically degrading. After school, I help the nannies to clean and up all, before I do my homeworks and it seem that my little sister is still a toddler, I have to take care of her since we do not have our own nanny who can look for us while mom is at work.
When mom got approved for a work in Prince Island we were so happy. I am happy and sad both. I am happy because mom will have a new work and my sister and I will live in another country and I am enthusiastic to meet new friends there. Although, it is sad tho think about it because you will not be with us. Little sister was so playful, but as a 9-year old co-parent what do I know with taking care of another child? she got sick of coughs, colds and fever that turned to pneumonia after a few days. I feel guilty about it. Then you, you and grandma came barging into the hospital room, you even kneeled for mom's forgiveness and asks us to come back to you and dont leave the country. And all of you ask me to choose. Prince Island or Family? It was the most difficult thing for a 9-year old. I chose my Family because I dont want my little sister to grow old like me ....yes, to grow alone, lonely but with the love and supervision of others. I want to feel how's the feeling of being together and with harmony.
Years passed, everything went well but your sadness without that woman in your life made you sad like she is your world. I forced myself to understand that. That is why even if you're not working and it is only mom who works for all of us I do not complain. Even if I see her how difficult it was to be a sole-provider, I still did not complain because I always tell myself maybe you and her have talked about it who's who will be the one to earn and to be the one to stay at home and look for us. You're friends are always with us. You drink all the way until you get drunk and have a bad mouth. Still I have to understand that. Because as mommy will always say, you are still our father. When mom retired and nothing was left for her own fun and enjoyment as a retiree because she said all of her money went to the debts we had in the hospital for your recent two operations. I never thought I will be like mom. I have experienced what is like to be a sole-provider and I certainly got confused and sad and hatred came to be my first adjective to fill my heart and soul. My question was, why do I have to sacrifice on where I have been sacrificing for you for all these years? then when little sister was NOT following a good path, you said you cannot face it, I was the one who has the courage to face all the bad mouth of the other people for my little sister. Supposedly, it should be a parent task. When her marriage was on the rocks, all you can do is to drama, but you did not do anything an in-a-snap action to stop whatever is happening. She left home but you did not ask her to go back. She was confused but you shooed her away. She felt alone. I do not even know how to approach her. I do not know where she is. The gap of our age made us have a real gap. I do not know what makes her be so disrespectful of me as a person sometimes. Sometimes, I think maybe she's like that because she saw me as a co-parent and that made the gap.
When mom got approved for a work in Prince Island we were so happy. I am happy and sad both. I am happy because mom will have a new work and my sister and I will live in another country and I am enthusiastic to meet new friends there. Although, it is sad tho think about it because you will not be with us. Little sister was so playful, but as a 9-year old co-parent what do I know with taking care of another child? she got sick of coughs, colds and fever that turned to pneumonia after a few days. I feel guilty about it. Then you, you and grandma came barging into the hospital room, you even kneeled for mom's forgiveness and asks us to come back to you and dont leave the country. And all of you ask me to choose. Prince Island or Family? It was the most difficult thing for a 9-year old. I chose my Family because I dont want my little sister to grow old like me ....yes, to grow alone, lonely but with the love and supervision of others. I want to feel how's the feeling of being together and with harmony.
Years passed, everything went well but your sadness without that woman in your life made you sad like she is your world. I forced myself to understand that. That is why even if you're not working and it is only mom who works for all of us I do not complain. Even if I see her how difficult it was to be a sole-provider, I still did not complain because I always tell myself maybe you and her have talked about it who's who will be the one to earn and to be the one to stay at home and look for us. You're friends are always with us. You drink all the way until you get drunk and have a bad mouth. Still I have to understand that. Because as mommy will always say, you are still our father. When mom retired and nothing was left for her own fun and enjoyment as a retiree because she said all of her money went to the debts we had in the hospital for your recent two operations. I never thought I will be like mom. I have experienced what is like to be a sole-provider and I certainly got confused and sad and hatred came to be my first adjective to fill my heart and soul. My question was, why do I have to sacrifice on where I have been sacrificing for you for all these years? then when little sister was NOT following a good path, you said you cannot face it, I was the one who has the courage to face all the bad mouth of the other people for my little sister. Supposedly, it should be a parent task. When her marriage was on the rocks, all you can do is to drama, but you did not do anything an in-a-snap action to stop whatever is happening. She left home but you did not ask her to go back. She was confused but you shooed her away. She felt alone. I do not even know how to approach her. I do not know where she is. The gap of our age made us have a real gap. I do not know what makes her be so disrespectful of me as a person sometimes. Sometimes, I think maybe she's like that because she saw me as a co-parent and that made the gap.
After the difficulty and separation anxiety with my little sister how come I need to find out that you have an intimate communication through mobile message with our twenty years house help? Are we NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? Was it boring to stay home so you need to have an outlet and the only outlet you can see is that nanny? I felt so down. I felt like working with chains on my both feet. You seem NOT to see that.I got depressed. I feel like I dont want to work anymore because there's no reason to be a good child if everybody is NOT. Instead, you always put me down and say that what kind of a daughter I am, that I cannot even make you eat something yummy for your taste buds.Did you know that for the past few years when everybody is still with us and we were happy together even with some petty quarrels.. I was so proud of myself that even I am bad-mouthed for many times I still get to smile because I know for myself that even my life was difficult then, I can survive and manage to feed all of you. When you got down by that scheming pyramiding scam. I was there. But when my savings were all squeezed out just to prove and show you that I STILL CAN... I was alone living in the dark that no one seems to care. I get to realize one thing after all ONLY YOURSELF CAN LOVE YOU. Then you are going to ask me what seem to make me hate the whole world? I know I cannot change another person's character but please do think that your daughter is still your daughter. She is still a part of you. Think also that being a parent is a tough job, one cannot just be like their old self and everything will be ok. A parent should come out of the box and be as best as he could for his children..even if they are grown-ups now. You cannot just pass your responsibility to anyone and do your job. Everyone has their right to live, right to work, right to speak, right to love and right to have fun.Just imagine if you will pass every burden to only one person, it is just like you have taken his/her whole life. She will never ever back TIME to do all the things she was not able to do just to save your face. I hope this letter will teach others and you. I am sorry if I hurt you, I just have to say all the things that piled up for years which seems not to be seen by you. I still love you both even if you did not love me. Sincerely yours, Katie
